Odd Jobs

I love my Manitou forklift.
It is sturdy,reliable,versatile.
We have used it every day
whilst building our new house.

It carts pallets of blocks and tiles
around the site with ease.

It provides a working platform
that can be moved more easily
than a scaffolding tower

By turning the forks upside down
the extra metre of height
has enabled us to work on the roof
with the platform at eaves height.

A detachable 1 ton front bucket
made spreading and grading 50 ton of stone
(creating the front drive)
a breeze.

How many more jobs
could the beast do?

WELL

one more!

A friend arrived on site
the other morning-
“could he borrow the Manitou
preferably with a driver”

I drove the forklift to his house
up a very narrow track
into the woods
eventually into a small field
where one of his 2 horses lay dead.
The job was to forklift
the dead animal to the road
where the knacker wagon
would collect it later
A relatively simple job
as the horse was an Anglo Arab stallion
and not much bigger than a shetland.

The final journey passed without incident
albeit slowly for fear of the body
sliding off the forks.
Getting the animal off the forks
proved more difficult.
Ropes,crowbars and a ditch
provided the answer.

I didnt have my camera to hand
and cant show you the pics.
Perhaps as well really…….
The horse died of
“ENGORGEMENT OF THE PENIS”
I leave the scene to your imagination;
Suffice it to say
it was not a pretty sight!!
You can imagine the subject of the jokes
for the rest of the day
cant you?

Flashy paintjobs

Contemplating a respray?

Heres some ideas for you.

GOOD EH?

Strange passengers on Harleys

2 fleas from the midwest,

had an agreement to meet up in Miami

each winter for a vacation;

Last winter one flea arrives in Miami

-blue,shivering,nearly frozen to death.

“What happened to you?”

“I rode down from Chicago in the moustache of a guy riding a Harley”

“Thats terrible.Do what I do…….

Go to the airport bar,

find a Miami bound air hostess,

climb up her leg ,

find a nice warm and cosy place ,

settle down…..

the best way to travel.“

A year goes by,

the first flea again shows up

-blue,shivering,nearly frozen to death AGAIN!

“Didnt you do as I told you?”

“YES;I went to the bar,

found an air hostess,

crawled up her leg and found a warm cozy spot.

It was so nice I fell asleep.

Next thing I knew,

I,d woken up

and was back in the moustache of the guy riding the Harley!”

French pedalcar championship

The fish looked very fast….

The boot was somewhat  lacking

in the aerodynamics department

(not helped by a big toe

poking through the front )

Noddy was,

well,

just Noddy

The Peter Pan crocodile looked mean

The frog

The dainty bumblebee

The pirate parrot

All could be contenders.

Le Mans style running start

AND THEYRE OFF…..

3 gruelling hours,

with pitsops to change pilots.

take on refreshments(or ice creams)

or running repairs

fine tuning the suspension

(meanwhile the band played on!)

A technical,

twisty course

(about 2 minutes for the faster teams)

As expected,

the fish flew

the boot belted

the Captain America hotrod was hot

BUT

with 2 fit pirates,

riding aggressively

the Parrot began slicing through………

The fish boys were up to the challenge.

Stripping off their flippers and snorkels

to reveal racing Lycra,

You could just see they meant business

lapping the field easily

And of course they won by a nautical mile

ghostbike

PSSST………….Can you keep a secret?

OK,but dont tell them at Ebay.

About 5 years ago me and my pal Roger

were keen carbooters,

antique- fair traders,

-buying and selling at auctions

and of course Ebay traders.

We bought and sold all sorts

and spent hours and hours “on line”

( any Ebay widow will recognise the symptoms.)

We were particularly fascinated by a bike trader

who used naff photos

and a particular style of semi literate

“rural speak”

You could never quite make out what it was he was  selling .

Roger started sending him similarly semi literate questions-all a bit of fun ;

We  soon developed a sort of competition

between ourselves to see who could sell the daftest item.

I came up with a beauty.

I had a photo of the wifes Clio,

and in the corner

you could just see the seat of a Suzuki Goose 350

that I had at the time.

(what a great bike that would have been

if fitted with the DR650 or DR Big motor .

Great looks,

very light,

neat suspension and brakes……)

ANYWAY

I took another photo of the space

where the bike was kept,

but removed whilst I took the photo,

in other words an EMPTY space.

I posted an advert for

“my sons bike for sale-unknown make or model”

I described it as Japanese or Italian,

2 stroke or 4 stroke,

Bigger than 125 cc-but capacity unknown,

Age unknown

make and model-unknown

All that was known was that it was blue and noisy.

I got DOZENS of emails enquiring further info

(which I was unable to supply-of course)

I started the bidding at £10

and when it reached over £600 with multiple bidders

and a day to go,

I chickened out and cancelled all bids,

saying the bike was no longer available

as my son had swapped it

for a 2 stroke(or maybe a 4 stroke,

350 or 500cc Jap,

or maybe Italian……………etc etc)

What a larff we had

Name and shame

Whats in a name?

My name is Cheetham-yes I,ve heard them all!

My Dad was a chartered accountant before retirement.

Could you remember your accountants name?

Probably not.

EVERYONE remembered Jack Cheetham,the accountant-SUCCESS GUARANTEED.

(a bit like Mr Lamb the butcher ,Mr Plug the plumber etc)

When I was at school in the 60,s in Stoke on Trent,

the Head of parks and cemeteries was Mr Dyer;

the chief fire officer-Mr Burns,

chief accountant-Mr Swindells-GOOD EH?

How about daft names though,

Ophelia Bott for example!

Or our pals grandson-Valentino Duckworth(But then Grandads name is Lancelot!)

Penny Chew?Mary Fairey?

Ignorant or peevish parents?

A chinese shop”moronsworld”

A shelved perfume to be launched in Japan.

Apparantly the Japanese manufacturers wanted a romantic Edwardian name

and picked”My Fanny”(by gaslight fame)

Imagine ”you smell divine Darling -whats that scent?”

“Oh its ”my Fanny”"

Something lost in Translation?

In France there is a transport firm called”Fockadey”(……helps you work,rest,and play?)

They call videos K7(pronounced in frenc Ka-set-gedditt?)

Or K dos for gifts(cadeaux)

The cardinal being considered for the Popes job,

last time round was Cardinal Sicola-POPESICOLA

I dont think so…….

How about the Toyota MR2 in France?

“emm air deux”-MERDE (shit)

Motorcycles dont escape

A catchy French bike name?

-send me any names that you know that will tickle a rib or two

How about a Japanese crash helmet ”breakwind”

The yamaha Freewind of course

Or the latest limited edition MV Brutale to be launched in Germany

“THE WALLY”

Can you believe someone didint check????

Forgotten sights

Remember these?

Heres a couple of rare photos

things you may have forgotten about.

Firstly
some cowslips-lovely wild flowers

seldom seen these days in the UK,

but a common spring flower here in France.

Secondly

how many of you remember my epic second place

as a privateer ,at Philip Island

in the Oz motogp a few  years ago

with  that young Valentino just pipping me at the post on his Honda………………..

Training day

Today,April 1st,is a special day-I start training in earnest again!

As a fan of all 2 wheeled vehicles-bicycles keep me fit and competetive.

My winning days are gone but I can still set the pace.

Heres a photo of me as pacemaker for the Rochechouart team

in the Tour of Limousin last year-a bit of a” Fools errand” really.

I,ve swapped with my pal Steve(Stratobiker),at the head of the pack.

As any racer  knows its very competetive at the sharp end.

You need your wits about you at all times.

Breaking away from the crowd,

-testing the competition-sometimes “peaking too soon”

-”poisson d,avril” as the French call such an individual

On this occasion we won the team prize-the ”Lapin Blanc” trophy

-a prestigious award,presented in the 60,s

by Richard Dimbleby

and still pride of place in the clubhouse awards cabinet.

As the pasta buds open and the cuckoos welcome Spring in,

the road calls !

A bientot :P

2 Jokes

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband”I must confess darling I used to be a hooker”

he says ”thats alright-your past is your own affair;but  I must admit

I find it quite erotic -tell me about it”

“OK” she replies:

“Well my name was Dave and I played for the Bradford Bulls……………..” 

_____________________________________________________

A cross section of 1000 people in the UK,made up of Afghans,Somalis,Pakistanis,

Indians,Poles,Roumanians,Bosnians,Brummies,

Geordies,Glaswegians,Scousers,Cockneys-

were asked if they thought Britain 

should convert to the Euro:

99% said NO

They were happy with the Giro! 

“my fellow Armenians…………….”

leader of the free world!!!!!